If the Military Got a Coffee Machine
by cletluvsfullmetal
Summary: An INCREDIBLY random oneshot about if the military got a coffee machine and they all got caffine high. Rated T for language. Reposted.


**Reposted it because I found alot of mistakes and it annoyed me. I'm bored and I don't have any ideas for Fullmetal Alchemist: Truth or Dare, so I decided to do a random one-shot. This will be incredibly random. You have been warned!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. … Yep. That's it. Nothing special. **

**Fly my monkey minions, fly!**

Ed and Al walked into Roy Mustang's office to give him their usual report after a mission. But, when they walked inside, they noticed something knew to the office. Not only something new, but Roy was standing on the couch holding a cup and a spork and jumping up and down, giggling like a girl.

"Colonel what are you doing? And what is that big thing?" Ed asked, pointing at the machine by Roy's desk.

"C-coffee machine! ISN'T IT SHINY! Now back off or Mr. Sporkhead will kill you with his rounded pointy-ness!"

"Coffee! Oooo I want some!" Ed ran over to the coffee machine and got himself a large cup of extremely strong coffee and drank it all in one gulp. His eyes grew wide and he started jumping around the room.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SHOW YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN!" Ed yelled at a lamp. Then he suddenly calmed down and started to stroke the lamp. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! You know I love you!" And he started making out with the lamp.

"GET AWAY FROM MY MAN, ASSHOLE!" Roy yelled and the lamp. He ran over to it, picked it up, and threw it out the window.

"Roy! I didn't know you felt that way!" Ed said to Roy.

"Felt what way?"

Throughout this madness, Al was sitting in a corner, scared and confused. Then, Havoc and Fury came through the door wondering what all the noise was. Havoc completely ignored Ed and Roy (who were doing the Macarena on Roy's desk) and saw the coffee machine. "Coffee! Yes!" He said, and ran over and drank a bunch. First he just stood there for a couple seconds, nodding his head, and then he got on the floor and did the worm singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! It's peanut butter jelly time!"

Fury thought that was pretty cool, so he had some coffee himself. So he did the Macarena with Ed and Roy. They suddenly all stopped and stared out the window stupidly for a few minutes. Finally Ed said, "Dude. Clouds, man."

"Yeah," they all replied like they were high.

"Oh my god everyone look it's a pine cone!" Fury said pointing at a pinecone lying on the ground outside the window. "Let's go get it and put lipstick on it, then find it a husband!"

"All right, but we're going to have to jump out the window, the door's locked," Roy said, pointing at the wide open door.

Everyone nodded and jumped out the window, leaving Al in a state of shock and confusion. They fell about 3 stories then landed on top of each other.

"My brain!"

"My appendix!"

"My cupcake!"

"Ed a cupcake isn't an internal organ," Fury said.

"Well then why do we all have feet?"

"True, True."

They all got up and, forgetting about the pinecone, began walking down the street. They walked about one minute and 38.67 seconds when Havoc said, "Where are we? We're lost! We're going to die! And I'm not eating Ed even though he is a shrimp!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MEATBALL WITH SPRINKLES?"

"What the hell? That didn't even make sense!" Roy said.

"Wait a minute! Look! We're in Stope!" Fury said, pointing to a stop sign.

"Dammit! Where the hell is 'Stope'?" Ed said, kicking the stop sign.

"Look, I have braces!" Roy said with tin foil over his teeth.

"You found that on the ground didn't you?" Fury asked.

"Garbage can."

So they continued there little journey threw... 'Stope' and encountered an old man with a walking stick who was staring at the ground. "Yup… I'm staring at the ground…" (A/N: I already said that, GOD!)

"Look it's an old guy!" Ed said, running up to the old man. Ed got very close to the old man's face, and so the old guy looked up at him and said "What the fu-" then Ed hit him on the head with his automail arm.

"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't use profanity, thank you!"

"Ed you use profanity all the time," Havoc said.

"But old people aren't supposed to use it!"

"Like oh my god you guys I finished my Christmas list!" Roy said randomly, getting out an extremely long piece of paper. "I want a parrot, pajamas with my name on it, Friends DVD series four, a Winnie the Pooh teddy bear, some sun block, a Mars Bar, a calculator, some glow-in-the-dark stickers, a goldfish named Roy J.R. (A/N: I have a fish named Roy! And a fish named Ed, and Al!), some AA batteries, a remote control car, a laptop, a new laptop, the latest Harry Potter book, and a Superman cape, a miniskirt, and hand lotion."

"Uh… right on," the old guy said.

Then they continued on their walk. They walked about another ten minutes then Ed started to randomly shiver and hug himself. "It's so cold out here… eight of my fingers are numb, three are frozen… how I got eleven fingers, I don't know… because I usually only have five that I can actually feel," Ed said.

"Actually Ed it really isn't cold-" Roy started, but was cut-off by Ed.

"It's cold to me, it's cold to me."

"Look everyone a piece of paper!" Havoc exclaimed, pointing at a piece of paper on the ground. He picked it up, took out a pen and drew some scribbles on it. "Look! Isn't it pretty?" he said, holding his work of art up to everyone.

"Ooo," they all said in awe. "What is it?"

"YOUR MOM ON CRACK!"

Then they all started to cry.

**The End.**

**Sorry I wasted like 5 minutes of your life, but I was bored so I wrote this up in like a half an hour. Now it's like 12:00 and I have school tomorrow. So bye!**


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